After all these years growing up (and having screaming into my pillow session all night long), I’ve just realized something. We are trained to fit in, to conform with the society. We are expected to meet our people’s expectation to be able to get through something. I remember my mom saying that we women should sit with our legs tight, because they said so. I remember my teacher at kindergarten saying that we as students need to listen to everything our teachers said without questioning. I remember my other teacher saying that people who are discipline — in the term of obedient are deemed success in the future. I heard that certain qualities of people are more desirable.
The thing is, not everybody built the same. We all have our quirkiness. Some people are “weirder” than everyone else. We struggle every time trying to fit in, let alone to feel that we belong to a group. I do realise that fitting in and belonging are two separate things. But to my misfit self, fitting in is the secret of being belong. Tell me that I’m wrong but I’ve known that already.
I am sick and tired trying to be someone else, being told to do things that aren’t me. Why can’t we accept each other. I spent most of my life trying to fit our toxic expectation. Being told to wear something girly because it is appropriate for girls to do so. I am not into it. Being told to behave in class, sit, listen, and do as I told. It was never easy. Being told to be someone that is socially open, vocal, and subservient. Dude. Give me a break. Being told to be a submissive woman who succumbs to the patriarchs. I am never going to be that kind of person.
Growing up isn’t easy and your classmates can be little pricks though they are so young. Especially when they are still young. Elementary school bullies are the worst. They destroy your confidence since you’re very young and it will be not easy for the victim to gain back their confidence. I really don’t want to blame the bullies for what they are doing — their parents may have contributed to their behaviours and the school may have neglect the case — refuse to help the victim. But we never know. What we know bullying is bad and should not happen and may be caused of people wanting everyone to fit in, to conform to the social norm — or certain standards.
As I tried to fit in, I stumbled upon things I wish I won’t encounter. I got burnt out. I got broken. I fell into the hole I am still struggling to climb the way out. All we are tired of trying things we won’t succeed. I guess not. Some people are just preferred in this kind of society. Those who are easy going, who shoots first questions later, who is considered good-looking, who has wide network, they seem to thrive well. We misfits who has different opinion, different approach, or just being different are seen as something to be disregard.
I saw my classmates reacting not so nicely to few other mates who has some sort of learning disabilities. Mocking them, not being so helpful, misleading them, being ignorant. It is hard to see for me seeing my different colleagues being treated like that without them actually… realising it. I spent my time trying to defend them, to make sure they get what they deserve. It wasn’t going as smooth as I wanted. It sucks. My approach wasn’t really favoured by my other colleagues. “Just let them be” doesn’t help. To me it’s like seeing someone being run over while I can easily grab them if I want to. It hurts.
It’s hard to fit in. We aren’t made the same. I wish we could just easily belong without fitting in. I wish we could just accept and embrace our quirkiness. I wish I could do something better. But not to fit has made me have the gut to say something — at least not to be like those other ignorant who fail to see the necessity of someone feeling they belong, to feel that they are in a part of something.
